Hmmm, its been aout a month since I last wrote. But, today isnt an update.. this is my long emotional post this time.. ;].


Once upon a time, a girl named Carleigh was born in the year of 1988. She was the adorable blonde haired; blue eyed babygirl that her mother and father had wanted for so long. Years went by, as time passed; Carleigh progressed into a toddler. New to walking, her mother was there when she fell, just like her parents were there when she started preschool. They continued to be there even in middle school when she turned to an adolescent. D'Ippolito Intermediate School was alot for Carleigh. No one understood her and she couldnt bare all the pain. Her friends were not friends and well, she felt as if everyone was out to get her. When she started 6th grade, she was the energetic child, she was happy with herself. However, leaving 6th grade and moving to 7th grade, a peice of Carleigh was lost there. The emotional battles going on in her head that just appeared this year would still be there in years to come. That next September, Carleigh entered 7th grade, as a new person. She traded in her fake preppy white friends for fake ghetto friends. The fake ghetto friends provided a false sense of security for Carleigh. For a while the emotional battles stopped rattling on. Intill somone would make a comment... something bad about her and the thoughts of death would lurke through her head once again. Peer acceptance was all she wanted, yet it never completly came to her. She received everything but acceptance. All the drama from the year prior was showing on her, it was obvious she gained alot of weight. And well, that didnt make it much easier for Carleigh. She finally learned the way to act like she didnt care. Pretending to be much harder on the outside than she was on the inside, Carleigh coped with the problems as best as she could. On many occasions, she would find her self yelling and caring on with the other kids. Curse words and threats would soar out of her mouth yet inside, she was thinking of ways to get out of her problems. Walking in the hallway, kids would say things about her: skank, fat... etc. The only way she could think to leave her problems alone would be to die yet, she never cut deep enough or took enough tylenol. Moving on to high school; 9th grade was much easier. There were more people in the school and the attention started to shift on other people. Of course people still didnt like her but, the false sense of security begain to grow larger as her social group grew, and it felt good. 10th grade was filled with drama and horrible thoughts. The friends that provided the false sense of security were fine but the happiness wasnt really so happy. The boyfriend who filled all of her insecurities that year was her main security. KT was her man, someone she trusted (even though she never spent time with him and he rarely claimed her). Then early March of 04, he betrayed her. He was in love with someone else, his girlfriend of 3 years that Carleigh didnt know about. That night she lost it. She lost her mind temporarily and at that point it got darker for the already dark memories. That night, a peice of her was once again gone. Her peice that made her happy, the peice that allowed her to smile phaded. This provided the eye opener for Carleigh. She saw how fucked up everything was. Her friends were fake, her so called boyfriend stole her heart and trust, she was now fat, she had no future plans, her GPA was a whopping one point something, and now she had no sense of security. From this point on, any smile on her face would be one of three things. She would smile because she was expected to, it looked normal she tried to stay in character. This is the blank smile, it was done because it was normal but it meant and symbolized absolutly nothing. There was then the peer acceptance smile, she smiled so people would like her more, so she would look better and they would accept her normally. She thought she was fooling people to believe she was happy. Then, there was the smile that came spontanious. It was triggered however by weed. Weed provided her self councious mind with confidence and allowed her to smile. It was that summer that she smoked weed heavily, almost daily. Through her life, Carleigh learned that alot can change in a year. She went from thin to fat; Energetic to depressed; depressed to suicidal; and preppy to ghetto all in one year. Who would guess that in the time of a year she would finally have a positive eye opener. This eye opener wasnt triggered by anything that anyone said or did, it was the true feeling that she felt inside that she realized for real, on her own. This is the real eye opener, that she could finally feel deep down inside. At this time, on March 1, 2005 I speak as Carleigh, the girl who thought she had it so bad. Of course I always knew that people are worse off than me but, I still felt horrible and hated myself. Then, I looked back and noticed there is someone... someone has been there. My mother and father are here along with my brother. My mom and dad held my hand when I learned to walk yet they still hold my hand emotionally. But, I today realize that what I took for granted for so many years is drifting away. Why are they drifting away? Its not because they're assholes (they're pretty cool actually) but im getting older. In 4 and a half months, Ill get my Liscence and be on the road to even more freedom. In a year and 4 months, I will be moving far away to college. What I believe my parents will take care of I now know that I cannot force anyone to do anything. I will have to do some things myself because, my god im getting to that age. My parents will come through and do everything they can for me but, now that im older there are things I ahve to handle that no parent can do for their child. Can you imagine me living on my own in a year and 4 months? Wow. Imagine me packing my worldly possesions in a car and just driving, driving to a school where I may not know anyone. Its fucking awesome in a sense! And now I will be prepaired for the battles of not being accepted or whatever the hell is gonna happen there. Because no matter what I have people that are behind me. Theres 4 groups of people in life: Family, Friends, Associates, and Coworkers. My family is my blood, myself, and true people that are in for the long haul. The people who have already accepted me as Carleigh and have accepted all of my faults. There are your friends who are close with you but they cant compair to family. Lauren, Sherrell, and Christene are my friends. Then is the long list of associates the people I say hi and bye to. People I would chill with if there was nothing to do, people I only call every once in a while. Finally, is coworkers, people u go to school with or work with that you wont speak to once u graduate or quit the stupid job. Knowing this, as long as I have my family and one or two friends, life is wonder. I may only have a year and a half left in Vineland, and well im gonna enjoy it. everything that is meant to happen for me and my life will fall into place. If it doesnt, my family will always help me out when im down.


xoxoxo
Carleigh

School like the normal got me feeling some type of way.. But fuck it, ill post about how I feel later, I dont feel like getting into it now. Um, came home from school and Justin called. Hes weird as hell... hes too much trouble for me though he keep trin to ask me to chill and I just tell him I have man but, I gotta get him to stop calling me. lol. I smoked a the last of the weed from the weekend. Im on the phone will hittin the L and I burned my nail sooo bad that I think its hilarious... maybe ill get a pic of the burn spot for you guys, lol. Word of advice dont smoke Ls down to roaches wit long nails if you're not gonna pay attention to it.. lol. Um, I talked to Sherrell and Elinette on 3-way for a while, Vanessa called and had me acting goofy and Natalie called too. Eze called and fell asleep on the phone and then I went to bed... not too exciting huh?

Boring Sunday. I woked up and smoked the rest of the 2nd blunt from Friday. My dad dropped me off at Laurens around 4pm or so. Ashley was over there. We drove around in her Lancer. She is a crazee driver.. lol. We went to Kevins house and got him. He came out and smoked a blunt with us. So, we drove around some more then Ashley dropped me off at home. God, I had the munchies too.. lmfao. That was this weekend.. this was my smoke out weekend.. smoked mostly by myself and I was high for a while. :-D. Fun timesss

So, I smoked a lil when I woke up just to calm my headache from smoking last night. My plans for today never got planned. Laurens friend had a party in Avalon but, it wasnt like a party like that. So, I just stayed around here. I ended up sleeping most of the day anyways so it was ust a high chill out day. ;-D

Woke up to find out I had a snow day today... that fucking rocks. As I try to fall back asleep, Christene calls at 5:45am to see whats good wit school. Then My dad wakes me at 6:15am to get up for school. Finally at 6:55am Vanessa calls. That child went out to the busstop, lmfao. I still luff her though. finish later....

Well, nothing special today actually. Mock Trial practice intill like 4 something. Compitions are on Thursday im getting nervous. Anyways when I got home, I had chilled out for a while and then asked my dad if he would bring me to the nail salon and he starts this shit about me cleaning my room so we just get into an argument. In the end

School was normal intill 4th period when the fire alarms started to go off. When we got out we saw the 9-10 building evacuated too, meaning 1 thing: another bomb scare! lol. So we all walked around and chilled. After about 30 minutes we all sat in the gym for an hour intill 12pm so we could get this day counted as a full say rather than having to make it up at the end of the year. So, when we were dismissed at 12pm, me, Christine, and Jasmine all bounced together. Since we had to leave the school we schedualed practice for mock trial at the library for 1pm. So, while we were on the bus, we decided to just go to the library then so, we walked off and went to wawa to get lunch. Then, Connie picked us up from there. We got tot he library around 12:45pm and decided to go pick Matt up. So we got him and went back to the library. We're all getting ready for the scrimage since we have real compitions on Thursdays. Around 1:15, we call our teacher to see where she is at and she says that the practice was moved to 2pm. So, Amanda shows up and Connie scopped Shenay. So, me and Christene started a dance session.. Jasmin was dying. We killed it tho., We was dancing right intill the librarian told us this was the wrong place for that.. lol. At 2pm, we started our scrimage, I think I did very well today. :-D. That was about it. V-diddy picked me christene and jasmine up and dropped us all off at home. :-D. And well, that was it.

Hmmm, its been aout a month since I last wrote. But, today isnt an update.. this is my long emotional post this time.. ;].


Once upon a time, a girl named Carleigh was born in the year of 1988. She was the adorable blonde haired; blue eyed babygirl that her mother and father had wanted for so long. Years went by, as time passed; Carleigh progressed into a toddler. New to walking, her mother was there when she fell, just like her parents were there when she started preschool. They continued to be there even in middle school when she turned to an adolescent. D'Ippolito Intermediate School was alot for Carleigh. No one understood her and she couldnt bare all the pain. Her friends were not friends and well, she felt as if everyone was out to get her. When she started 6th grade, she was the energetic child, she was happy with herself. However, leaving 6th grade and moving to 7th grade, a peice of Carleigh was lost there. The emotional battles going on in her head that just appeared this year would still be there in years to come. That next September, Carleigh entered 7th grade, as a new person. She traded in her fake preppy white friends for fake ghetto friends. The fake ghetto friends provided a false sense of security for Carleigh. For a while the emotional battles stopped rattling on. Intill somone would make a comment... something bad about her and the thoughts of death would lurke through her head once again. Peer acceptance was all she wanted, yet it never completly came to her. She received everything but acceptance. All the drama from the year prior was showing on her, it was obvious she gained alot of weight. And well, that didnt make it much easier for Carleigh. She finally learned the way to act like she didnt care. Pretending to be much harder on the outside than she was on the inside, Carleigh coped with the problems as best as she could. On many occasions, she would find her self yelling and caring on with the other kids. Curse words and threats would soar out of her mouth yet inside, she was thinking of ways to get out of her problems. Walking in the hallway, kids would say things about her: skank, fat... etc. The only way she could think to leave her problems alone would be to die yet, she never cut deep enough or took enough tylenol. Moving on to high school; 9th grade was much easier. There were more people in the school and the attention started to shift on other people. Of course people still didnt like her but, the false sense of security begain to grow larger as her social group grew, and it felt good. 10th grade was filled with drama and horrible thoughts. The friends that provided the false sense of security were fine but the happiness wasnt really so happy. The boyfriend who filled all of her insecurities that year was her main security. KT was her man, someone she trusted (even though she never spent time with him and he rarely claimed her). Then early March of 04, he betrayed her. He was in love with someone else, his girlfriend of 3 years that Carleigh didnt know about. That night she lost it. She lost her mind temporarily and at that point it got darker for the already dark memories. That night, a peice of her was once again gone. Her peice that made her happy, the peice that allowed her to smile phaded. This provided the eye opener for Carleigh. She saw how fucked up everything was. Her friends were fake, her so called boyfriend stole her heart and trust, she was now fat, she had no future plans, her GPA was a whopping one point something, and now she had no sense of security. From this point on, any smile on her face would be one of three things. She would smile because she was expected to, it looked normal she tried to stay in character. This is the blank smile, it was done because it was normal but it meant and symbolized absolutly nothing. There was then the peer acceptance smile, she smiled so people would like her more, so she would look better and they would accept her normally. She thought she was fooling people to believe she was happy. Then, there was the smile that came spontanious. It was triggered however by weed. Weed provided her self councious mind with confidence and allowed her to smile. It was that summer that she smoked weed heavily, almost daily. Through her life, Carleigh learned that alot can change in a year. She went from thin to fat; Energetic to depressed; depressed to suicidal; and preppy to ghetto all in one year. Who would guess that in the time of a year she would finally have a positive eye opener. This eye opener wasnt triggered by anything that anyone said or did, it was the true feeling that she felt inside that she realized for real, on her own. This is the real eye opener, that she could finally feel deep down inside. At this time, on March 1, 2005 I speak as Carleigh, the girl who thought she had it so bad. Of course I always knew that people are worse off than me but, I still felt horrible and hated myself. Then, I looked back and noticed there is someone... someone has been there. My mother and father are here along with my brother. My mom and dad held my hand when I learned to walk yet they still hold my hand emotionally. But, I today realize that what I took for granted for so many years is drifting away. Why are they drifting away? Its not because they're assholes (they're pretty cool actually) but im getting older. In 4 and a half months, Ill get my Liscence and be on the road to even more freedom. In a year and 4 months, I will be moving far away to college. What I believe my parents will take care of I now know that I cannot force anyone to do anything. I will have to do some things myself because, my god im getting to that age. My parents will come through and do everything they can for me but, now that im older there are things I ahve to handle that no parent can do for their child. Can you imagine me living on my own in a year and 4 months? Wow. Imagine me packing my worldly possesions in a car and just driving, driving to a school where I may not know anyone. Its fucking awesome in a sense! And now I will be prepaired for the battles of not being accepted or whatever the hell is gonna happen there. Because no matter what I have people that are behind me. Theres 4 groups of people in life: Family, Friends, Associates, and Coworkers. My family is my blood, myself, and true people that are in for the long haul. The people who have already accepted me as Carleigh and have accepted all of my faults. There are your friends who are close with you but they cant compair to family. Lauren, Sherrell, and Christene are my friends. Then is the long list of associates the people I say hi and bye to. People I would chill with if there was nothing to do, people I only call every once in a while. Finally, is coworkers, people u go to school with or work with that you wont speak to once u graduate or quit the stupid job. Knowing this, as long as I have my family and one or two friends, life is wonder. I may only have a year and a half left in Vineland, and well im gonna enjoy it. everything that is meant to happen for me and my life will fall into place. If it doesnt, my family will always help me out when im down.


xoxoxo
Carleigh

School like the normal got me feeling some type of way.. But fuck it, ill post about how I feel later, I dont feel like getting into it now. Um, came home from school and Justin called. Hes weird as hell... hes too much trouble for me though he keep trin to ask me to chill and I just tell him I have man but, I gotta get him to stop calling me. lol. I smoked a the last of the weed from the weekend. Im on the phone will hittin the L and I burned my nail sooo bad that I think its hilarious... maybe ill get a pic of the burn spot for you guys, lol. Word of advice dont smoke Ls down to roaches wit long nails if you're not gonna pay attention to it.. lol. Um, I talked to Sherrell and Elinette on 3-way for a while, Vanessa called and had me acting goofy and Natalie called too. Eze called and fell asleep on the phone and then I went to bed... not too exciting huh?

Boring Sunday. I woked up and smoked the rest of the 2nd blunt from Friday. My dad dropped me off at Laurens around 4pm or so. Ashley was over there. We drove around in her Lancer. She is a crazee driver.. lol. We went to Kevins house and got him. He came out and smoked a blunt with us. So, we drove around some more then Ashley dropped me off at home. God, I had the munchies too.. lmfao. That was this weekend.. this was my smoke out weekend.. smoked mostly by myself and I was high for a while. :-D. Fun timesss

So, I smoked a lil when I woke up just to calm my headache from smoking last night. My plans for today never got planned. Laurens friend had a party in Avalon but, it wasnt like a party like that. So, I just stayed around here. I ended up sleeping most of the day anyways so it was ust a high chill out day. ;-D

Woke up to find out I had a snow day today... that fucking rocks. As I try to fall back asleep, Christene calls at 5:45am to see whats good wit school. Then My dad wakes me at 6:15am to get up for school. Finally at 6:55am Vanessa calls. That child went out to the busstop, lmfao. I still luff her though. finish later....

Well, nothing special today actually. Mock Trial practice intill like 4 something. Compitions are on Thursday im getting nervous. Anyways when I got home, I had chilled out for a while and then asked my dad if he would bring me to the nail salon and he starts this shit about me cleaning my room so we just get into an argument. In the end

School was normal intill 4th period when the fire alarms started to go off. When we got out we saw the 9-10 building evacuated too, meaning 1 thing: another bomb scare! lol. So we all walked around and chilled. After about 30 minutes we all sat in the gym for an hour intill 12pm so we could get this day counted as a full say rather than having to make it up at the end of the year. So, when we were dismissed at 12pm, me, Christine, and Jasmine all bounced together. Since we had to leave the school we schedualed practice for mock trial at the library for 1pm. So, while we were on the bus, we decided to just go to the library then so, we walked off and went to wawa to get lunch. Then, Connie picked us up from there. We got tot he library around 12:45pm and decided to go pick Matt up. So we got him and went back to the library. We're all getting ready for the scrimage since we have real compitions on Thursdays. Around 1:15, we call our teacher to see where she is at and she says that the practice was moved to 2pm. So, Amanda shows up and Connie scopped Shenay. So, me and Christene started a dance session.. Jasmin was dying. We killed it tho., We was dancing right intill the librarian told us this was the wrong place for that.. lol. At 2pm, we started our scrimage, I think I did very well today. :-D. That was about it. V-diddy picked me christene and jasmine up and dropped us all off at home. :-D. And well, that was it.